Experiencing grief and loss can feel crippling.  It can seem as though you will never make it through the panic, the tearful days and nights, or the initial moment where the event that caused you pain occurs.  I liken it to being hamstrung.  To “hamstring” a person is to literally sever the tissues of their hamstring. It is an unbearable, painful event that causes the person to lose mobility, to endure excruciating pain, and to need medical attention in order to ever be whole again. When you experience trauma and/or grief, it is as if you have been metaphorically hamstrung.  The things you once found easy now bring great pain. The way you lived before is no longer even an option in this moment.  You are simply hoping to survive and get through “right now” alive.

Over time, the wounds heal over.  You have received the urgent care that you needed.  Your wounds are sealed shut and are healing, no longer agape and festering.  The “bleeding out” phase has passed.  The things that brought you to tears so quickly months ago are not as tender now.  The pain of the wound is not as intense, yet it is still there.  It is during this time that one who is experiencing great pain has a clearer vision again.  Life is not all in a dark cloud like it was. 

As Christians, it is easy to look at someone who has experienced deep grief and think that they are all better now. Perhaps they are serving God and others, they are walking with the Lord, they are sharing positive things on their social media, and when you ask them how they are doing, they say “fine.”  Yet, what many of us don’t see is the pain just under the surface.  Sometimes, we can expect others to not have any pain anymore because the thing that hurt them is no longer part of their life and experience in the now.  They seem to be well.

Yet, if you are the one walking through a season of grief, this middle ground between raw, festering wound and complete healing can be isolating.  It can be isolating because people don’t see your pain, yet you still struggle with its uncomfortable, nagging presence.  Your wounds, though now covered with skin and less visible, still hurt. There’s a scar there.  Scars at times carry pain.  At times, something rubs against the scar and completely opens the wound that you thought was finally healing, yet now you feel as though you are starting over a new healing process with a new wound.  At times, you need to rub salve onto the scar which irritates it again yet is necessary for proper healing.

It is vital that we, as sojourners in this life and aliens in this world, learn how to properly process our pain. I am learning. I don’t have it figured out fully.  Yet, what I do know is that God can handle my pain.  He doesn’t expect me to pretend with Him.  He doesn’t want me to act as if I am whole when I am in pieces.  I am not being honest with the Lord if I come before Him and pretend everything is ok in the deepest parts of me. He already knows. 

I have found great peace and hope in the past year in the Psalms.  It is there that we see genuine wrestling with this paradox. How is God good when I am in such pain?  How could He have let this happen to me, to my loved ones, to my nation, to those He says He loves?  Where was God when this injustice happened to me?  Does he care about what people are saying about me?  What about those who have been afflicted by others?   You will find all of these questions in the Psalms.  The Psalmist wrestled with these things while at the same time worshipping the One that He knew to be just, all powerful, able to heal, able to stop the affliction of His people, able to intervene. 

I do not understand why God allows certain things, but I do know that He is good.  I don’t see the whole picture, but He does and I can trust Him with my past and future.  I do not know why sometimes His justice is delayed, yet I rest in the fact that He is just and will do the right thing.  I do not know why sometimes He seems silent in the midst of the suffering of His people, yet I believe with all my heart that He sees, He cares, and He will one day make it all right, somehow.

And….

The circumstances I find myself in at times are sometimes painful beyond measure.  I don’t need to pretend before God that they aren’t.  He knows what I am not voicing out-loud to Him.  I might as well be honest with the One person who can always handle it, trusting His promises in the pain, knowing that there is a purpose in it.  

Months ago, I sat at the piano during worship and played along with the team to the song “Yet Not I But Through Christ in Me.”

“The night is dark, but I am not forsaken
For by my side, the Savior, He will stay
I labor on in weakness and rejoicing
For in my need, His power is displayed

To this I hold, my Shepherd will defend me
Through the deepest valley, He will lead
Oh, the night has been won, and I shall overcome
Yet not I, but through Christ in me”

Without notice, my mind was automatically flung back to a moment where I also sang this song in the midst of the deepest grief and turmoil I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t even give voice to the words back then but sang them in my mind while tears welled up in my eyes, some making their way down my cheeks. I believed the words then, but my inward song and plea to the Lord was the He would not desert me, that He would keep His promise to stay by me now, defend me, and lead me through the valley I was walking through in that moment. I was pleading with Him to be who He says He is, believing that He was good even then.

In the worship set we played now, months later, my scars were opened.  It was uncomfortable. I couldn’t pretend that the pain of that moment just didn’t exist.  It’s all part of the healing process and I had to acknowledge before the Lord how difficult it was to sing those words in that moment because I felt like He didn’t measure up to how I wanted Him to act.  I had to be honest with Him. I had to allow Him to put salve on my scars once again in a way that no one else could in that moment and trust Him.

Mark Vroegop, in his book Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy wrote “Too many people think real worship only means an upbeat and happy demeanor. But grief-filled prayers of pain while seeking God are among the deepest expressions of God-centered worship.”

These kinds of moments happen over and over in the life of Christian who is grieving. They see the name of someone who has wronged or abused them and all of a sudden are rehearsing again what happened.  They may get angry. Their body may even have a trauma response of shaking, sweating, heavy breathing or more.   They may hear a Bible verse and automatically their mind goes back to a moment when this verse was used out of context to manipulate them. They may struggle to trust someone who reminds them of another who hurt them.  Maybe they see a mother with a young infant and grieve the life they are not living even though they long for a child.  Or, they see that toddler walking around and think of their baby that went to be with Jesus who would be that age if he was alive now.  Grief is that unwelcome house guest that shows up uninvited and at inconsiderate times.

If this is you, know that God is close.  His Word is precious. He can be trusted to handle your emotions and struggles.  It is better to be honest with Him about your pain than to shove it and pretend it is not there.  Pray to Him.  Lean on Him. Allow His Word to wash over you.  Healing doesn’t come to those who live in denial and pretend they are not wounded.  That’s not what the Psalmists who recited their pain to the Lord did. They were honest with Him while also trusting in His character and promises.  We can do both. We must do both.  And, realize that your struggle does not mean you lack trust in the Lord.  Where you go in times of trouble reveals where your trust is. Go to Him. Perhaps start with Psalm 86 below.

Psalm 86

Incline Your ear, Lord, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.
² Protect my soul, for I am godly;
You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.
³ Be gracious to me, Lord,
For I call upon You all day long.
⁴ Make the soul of Your servant joyful,
For to You, Lord, I lift up my soul.
⁵ For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all who call upon You.
⁶ Listen, Lord, to my prayer;
And give Your attention to the sound of my pleading!
⁷ On the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.
⁸ There is no one like You among the gods, Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.
⁹ All nations whom You have made will come and worship before You, Lord,
And they will glorify Your name.
¹⁰ For You are great, and you do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
¹² I will give thanks to You, Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forever.
¹³ For Your graciousness toward me is great,
And You have saved my soul from the depths of Sheol.

¹⁴ God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a gang of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.
¹⁵ But You, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
Slow to anger and abundant in mercy and truth.
¹⁶ Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
¹⁷ Show me a sign of good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.